Trouble with Trojans"
Sex in Sin City: Super Sized Edition
So what evil bastard came
up with the great idea to put condoms behind a huge Plexiglas wall? I mean if
going to your local Albertsons for latex lubbers wasn't hard enough. They have
to be down right mean and not only seal them off from humanity, but attach a
gigantic lock to protect their poor little glass slippers. So upon wishing to
make a purchase for the overpriced protection, you have to wander the halls in
search of a human being that isn't going to look at you like the sleaze balls
that hit them up for change on the way to work. Once you've actually located
someone nonchalant enough, it's the silent march to where they are stationed
that grows rather nerve wracking. Then there is the walking with them and
fearing the inevitable small talk looming in their mind. You find yourself
praying that the clerk won't decide out of shear loneliness to cleverly mutter,
"So... you like sex?"
This unspoken witch's
trial might not be so bad if they didn't have names like Trojan, Kimono, Durex,
or Lifestyles, all of which paint a picture of you being this sex crazed beast
that should be set aside from the rest of humanity. There should be no huge
competition between manufacturers in the rubber market, and there wouldn't be if
they would all have names like, "I would prefer not to have a baby at this
point in my life." Sure you lose whatever small echelon of sexual inkling
that was clinging onto the purchase of your new pack of man-wraps, but since
that percentage is generally slim-to-none, I think we would be o.k.
At least if condoms were
more sensibly named, the clerk might not feel the need to jump to conversation
in the sexual nature. However, if so inclined, the key guy could talk sadly of
the child that he takes care of and how he became the condom cage key wielder.
Hearing his tale of woe would applaud your action in birth prevention and
simultaneously know how to avoid becoming ensnared within the ranks of the
world's grocery stores.
Well, believe it or not,
there are some stores where the condom theft apparently hasn't reached ungodly
proportions to the point that they feel the need to place them behind bars. Even
in these situations there are still many ways to condemn yourself to being a
spectacle. Case-in-point, I as (I usually do) was deciding to make my
contraceptive sheath purchase at like 2 in the morning. Well, since I was one of
the three people deciding to make purchases this late, they kept a watchful eye
on me to see if I were going to start acting like a crack addict.
I found the condoms in
the farthest reaches of the food mart and decided to hide them behind my back
and make my way to the cashier as to avoid any embarrassment. By the time I
arrived up front, I noticed that she had her boss next to her and they both
looked rather nervous as I made my way through the two person line. Apparently,
my decision to conceal my purchase made them believe I was brandishing a weapon.
Once I realized what was happening I quickly set my purchase onto the counter
top. I heard a sigh of relief, watched a smile slide across the cashier's face,
and the manager decided to wander back into his office and resume staring at the
wall. This went from subtly being awkward to magnified on an insane level. At
least they were very relieved that I was only a sexual deviant and not robbing
them of their riches.
Hopefully it will get
better in the future, were we won't have to deal with the likes of sad
employees, judging looks, high prices, and awkward silence. In the world I see
you're having safe sex in the damp canyon forest around the ruins of Rockefeller
center. You'll wear sleek comfortable leather condoms that will last you the
rest of your life. You'll walk through illuminated halls and know that no one
will judge you for the things you traded on that day. When you look down the
hall you'll see tiny figures making birth control pills, and laying strips of
sex toys in the empty cash-only lane of some abandoned adult supermarket.